It's going to be really sad that now I'm not going to play practice everyday. It won't hit me that it's sad until I'm rushing to get to my bus on Monday. Oy. Basically all the people in the cast, I don't see everyday. That will be hard as well. Sage, Garreck, Jess, Matt, Katie, Adam, Jennie, Em, Krista, Bartle, Becca, Marley, I'm going to miss everyone. I'm not sure about Ross though. I never talked to him or anything. Sorry Ross. I think that was mean
To respond to Kelly's marriage post:
Umm, yeah I don't think I'm going to get married. I don't have any desire to, really. I also have this idea that it will just be doomed from the beginning. Because it was like that for my parents. To be with one person forever seems like too much. I think if I ever got married, I'd get divorced..........I think that means commitment scares me.
I don't have much more to say about that. But it makes me sad I feel that way. Because I wouldn't mind loving one person forever. Ugh, this all is making think about Sage and I. I have to stop talking about marriage, relationships, etc.
I really hope Sage gets online soon or something. I do need to talk to him.
I want to go see The Laramie Project at Upper Dublin tonight. To actually see the play, and maybe protest a little if those jerks from Kansas are still there.
OH HEY!! That's what I can talk about!!
Those people are idiots!!
For those readers who do not know, Upper Dublin chose to perform The Laramie Project this year. It's about Matthew Shepard, a boy who was killed because he was gay. It happened about five years ago. I remember it. Anyway, Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas heard about this, and decided to come here to protest Upper Dublin's performance of it.
Shannon Moyer gave me this flyer to read. I know I shouldn't link, but it's hard to explain my feeling and stuff, without providing my source of anger and sadness. Ya know what I'm saying?
I though I was going to fucking cry after I read it. I was going to, but I acted on my anger instead. I was so upset that I had a performance last night, because I would've gone last night instead. But no. So I want to go tonight. If anyone would like to come, it's 6 dollars. It's an incredible story too. I'm so glad that Upper Dublin chose The Laramie Project
These Kansas people are such hypocrites. Aren't Christians/Baptists/Catholics/etc. taught that God loves everyone? Aaron and I briefly discussed it, and he said that in the Christian religion homosexuality is frowned upon. But still, am I right that you're taugh that God loves everyone, that he does not turn his back on you, no matter who you are or what you've done??
I also understand that these people are extremists. Extreme extremists, but still. It really upsets me. Am I allowed to be upset? Yes, I think so.
Jim Rossi suggested that the people protesting against the Kansas people should separate into two groups and all the guys should stand in a circle and hold hands and the girls do the same. And just stand there. Holding hands. I think that was a great idea for the protest. Shannon never called me to tell me how it went.
So yes, if you want to come see the play with me tonight, it's 6 dollars, at 7:30, it's a great story. Plus I don't want to go alone. That's pretty silly.
Despite what Aaron says, I'm not cutting school. I'm going to the doctor to get the lump checked to see if it's cancer, a stress thing, mono, menengitis, nothing, a combo of those things, or nothing. Okay Aaron?! OKAY?!?! I'm not cutting you dingleberry.
We just got a call on the callwave from Sam Yang Oriental Food Market. I love the random calls. We've had a few drunks call, those are hilarious. I remember one started like, "Hey it's me, Cheryl and yes I'm messed up again..."
Well, my life has been just peachy-honky-dory. Okay maybe not that good, but it's okay.
Matt Arkans is a bum for not sending me the mandolin music.
I hate it when after you shave you legs, and when you get goosebumps, it hurts. Does it hurt you ladies, because it hurts me. Not to mention the hair like grows again, so there was no point in shaving in the first place!!
I ate the school play...because I HATE it. I just thought it was funny I said I ate the school play. If you guys are going, buy some tickets from me, please. I have to sells them.
Jessica Lynch bugs the hell out of me. She's getting all this publicity while there's so many strong soldiers that never came home. Gah. I hate war. So, I think I'll go eat it.
I haven't been feeling anything new as of late. Same old stuff. No need to elaborate.
My dad is stupid too.
Uhhh...
My friend Andy, from camp, has shingles. I'm so worried about her.
Umm...Happy Halloween/first of November/Birthday, Gretta!!
Just think...12 years ago, Gretta was ripping her way through my mother's vagina.
I remember how Noel and I REEEEEALLY wanted a brother and were angry and distressed the baby was a female. When my grandmother went to put pink balloons outside we followed her and yelled at her to take the things down. We refused to accept the female bundle of...baby.
But we learned to live with her.
Happy Birthday, Gritz!!
My day:
I lost my knitting on the way to school. It fell out of my bag :(. When I boarded the bus the girl next to me was suprised that my wings were no where to be seen. I told her they got in the way so much. Really, I don't wear them because they no longer have any meaning. I got into school. Sage and I hugged. I shouldn't have let that happen. I wanted to push him away and tell him to go away, but I didn't.
Dan A. is a genious. Best costume I saw! He was a big heart! And his heart said, "I have a heart on!" But Alison must go up there with him. Best representation of teenage angst ever. Save the whales.
Today we took that survey in American Studies. The one that tries to help us figure out where we are politically...or something. I can't explain. Anyway, I'm a strong liberal. I got two C's out of the 25 questions. Everyone thought I was a communist. BUAHAHAHA!!
Have I ever told any of you how much I love Ms. White?? Well, I do, I think she's so cool, even if she didn't give me any candy today for Halloween. She forgot me :( Oh well.
I'm going to refrain from expressing my feelings about play practice.
I had a fun conversation with Matt Arkans, Emily, Jess, and Alison. Then I went home.
Alison, I love you.
Umm, then we went trick or treating. I think my town liked us. Mainly because we sang songs. It was my friend, Shayna's first time trick or treating. She did a very good job. I compliment my friends on their costumes. You guys looked simply fantastic. Even if Aaron couldn't move, Nate couldn't hear, Alison couldn't see, Spencer had no sense of depth (or something), and I couldn't walk up stairs and my bra was falling off.
No longer do I want to visit Sage's blog.
Permit test tomorrow. I have a feeling I will fail again. But I dun care. I gotta get Hannah something for her freakin' birthday. But what? I don't even have money. I'll think of something. I'll sleep on it.
And Rocky Horror fell through. The tickets are sold out. But there's one on South Street. Maybe. Probably not.
The feeling of replacement really hurts.
This all I have to say.
I want to play with Gretta's presents. Super Mario and Pac Man for Gameboy Advanced, Holes and The Sandlot on DVD, and Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix. I want to plaaaaay :(
Okay, this is all. Really. Life can be unfair.
My mom, Noel, and I went to look at acoustic basses for Noel and to get birthday presents for Gretta tonight. When we were at the music store I played with the mandolins. There was this one that was so gorgeous. It was a pale wood, and it wasn't glossy. It was the F-type rather than the A. Oh my god, it was so great. I wanted it so bad. It really put my mandolin to shame. So much shame. And I wanted to take that one home. It sounded like nothing I have ever heard before. I sounded so good!! Then we looked at some acoustic guitars. And there was this one that was almost black but it had red in it and it was light and that sounded great too. I'm going to start that. Maybe with tonight!
I love making music. So, so much. And I'm so lucky I can pick up something and figure it out in a matter of minutes. Not to brag, but it's true. My sisters are the same way.
I had a disturbing conversation with Sage this evening. But he was right about a lot of things. He's right, on many points. He's in my head. A great deal of it. But I'm not in his. I don't love myself enough and he can't let me in when I don't love myself. I honestly go through phases. And by that I mean the Melissa that loves herself and the Melissa that doesn't are constantly fighting. The one that loves herself sometimes wins and then the other does. A part of me loves the person that you all know and love too. Just right now, they're fighting. The second Melissa has been winning but the first is starting to fight back and is becoming stronger. But I know that all of me has to love me. I understand. And I want that. I want that so bad. But everyone has the bumps in the road. Those bumps keep me from doing that.
Tonight, I really loved myself. Music helps with that. So does hearing from a crapload of Rowe people.
Sage, I'm getting there. You may not see my efforts but you don't always have to. Compared to before, the love for myself has multiplied by 10000. "I know you make great decisions for other but not for yourself." Sorry, I saved the chat. This may be weird but when I'm able to be in someone's head and able to be there and help that person and love that person and getting that love in return I feel so much better about myself and I love myself so much more. You have no idea...well, maybe you do. Anyway, I want you to know, I want to be there. If I know that I'm there I can love myself more. Does that makes sense to anyone? Well, it makes sense to me so that's all that matters. If it doesn't I'll explain it more later. And I know I slip and make bad decisions. Real bad. But, you don't understand the psyche behind that. No one truly will. Sorry.
I decided that I want to do my community service at the Institutes. Even if they did fuck me up. But I want to because I want to re-take the "What To Do About Your Barin-Injured Child" course. Whe I was taking it, the director if the Institues sent me home because I was showing signs of Lyme's disease. This was after I found a deer tick that had bit me. But that's what I want to do.
I talked to Dee from Rowe. I love her so much and I miss her.
This made me really happy for some reason:
From Roach's blog - good gracious
i was having quite a shitty day. piano lesson kicked my ass, as did writing a paper which required me to redefine the phsycology of the WORLD so that the holocaust doesnt have to happen. mm, sucky.
so then i came back to my room feeling worthless, and i didn't notice at first, but my half of ze room is COVERED in gummybears. yes folks. on top of my computer, atop my corkboard, atop my stapler, my keyboard, all around my dresser, by my fish tank,
with little post-it notes that say "eat me!" and "look... i love you!"
and i'm not positive who the gummybear raider is, but man, i feel so much better.
some days, people are too good to me. i love it.
Lucky girl that roach. she's another rowie. just as amazing as dee and the rest of the rowe crew.
Dee tells me that the reunion is usually Martin Luther King Jr. weekend. That's like the 17-18th of January. She said that I could take a train to Connecticut, then meet her in her town and they'd take me to Rowe. That is if my mother can't take me. But she probably will. It all depends on the restaurant at that point in time.
Oh man, I can't wait.
I have to study for my permit test tomorrow. I'll be late to school. Wish me luck...or something.
No school 4 the Heves. I'm feverish, dizzy, stuffy, coughy; not to mention I slept for three hours last night. Too much on my mind.
I feel asleep at 11:30-ish and woke up at two. At 2:45, I decided that I needed to get my mind off of this weekend and the conversation I had with Sage last night so I went downstairs, plugged in my alarm clock, and put on Beauty and the Beast, hoping to fall asleep. Alas, at the end I was still wide awake so then I slipped in The Rescuers Down Under. I got through the majority of it. But I remember at one point I just shut my eyes and became comatose. That was about 5:15. Then I woke up at six and it turned out I slept through my alarm. Someone had come down and turned it off. I don't blame them. I have it set so everyday at 5:45 I wake up to Power 99 FM at maximum volume. So it gets a little loud. I'm so suprised that I slept through it.
I think I'll try to get to play practice today or something. I want to see Alison and Sage so...
Hopefully I'll get to spend some of my day with my mother. Probably not though.
I need to shower.
I like my Rice Dream. I'm eating it right now. It's always a delight to get to the bottom of the Mint Carob Chip. All the chips are at the bottom and it's icy, not so ice creamy.
After Hannah's party I'm going to New Hope for the midnight Rocky Horror up there. It's expensive. $27. Phew.
Sage's mom bothers me. Yeah, I definitely need to talk to Alison.
Whilst browsing through some paintings, I saw that lady and I was like "Whoa. She's sad. So am I." So I decided to slap that up there. Thanks much to inpressionism.nu for the image and to Degas for creationg this lovely, but melancholy piece. Oh right, and to Mr. Ferro for introducing me to this painting last year in art class. I remember seeing it and I thought it was so beautiful. Alright, I've given my credit and I'm moving on.
I just realized this layout is a tad ugly and pretty stupid and boring. But things aren't pretty now, so I guess it's okay.
............Yeah...so...I'm sad. Very sad.
Sage and I are no more. I hate coming to that realization. Honest truth.
We were amazing. Lovely. Beautiful. Everything. And I miss that so much. I miss him. He's going to be here, always. I'll always be there for him. But something is still calling out. I need time apart though. I think. I wrote an amazing free write about him when I got home yesterday.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT?!?!?!?!?
I should just shut up now. I should stop crying about, suck it up, slap a smile on my face and be happy for everyone like it's always been. I don't want to be happy though. I really don't. Even if I should, I can't.
Sage is so sad. Yesterday it was so visible in his eyes. I couldn't look passed it. Why he is the person he is?! So caring and loving towards everyone. Why towards me? I've just about crushed him. I probably have.
I can't be happy if Sage isn't happy. I don't fucking care how bad that is, it just is, and it's always been that way. I'm sad for him because he's in pain, even if he does hide it. I know it's there because his pain sits there with mine.
I can't write anymore. I'm sobbing uncontrollably. Just shut up Melissa, stop being such a fucking drama queen you twit.
I remember when he and I first started going out, we promised each other no matter what happened we'd always be friends. And we are always going to be. The connection is too strong. I don't know how he feels about that. But we promised each other we are going to be best friends, at least I think. When you say you're going to be Rowe friends, I feel it means best friends. He might not think that.
Sage, I love you. Thank you for giving me the best year of my life. Nothing will be like this. At least not for a very long time.
I should stop writing this like he never reads my blog and he'll never see it. Because he will see this. But maybe I want him to see it. Who know?
Homework for today, that's it. I'll get though all this. Sage will get through all this. But there's still something that doesn't want to let go of the past. I still don't want it to be over. I don't know if it is, but if it isn't it'll be a long time. I shouldn't have said that.
A fitting song, I think. I've been relating myself, Sage, the past, the present, the future to it:
Coldplay - The Scientist
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start
....................................................this is all.
Sage and I are still going out...I think. I mean, I never said I wanted to break up yet. But the conversation was left open. We didn't kiss goodbye yesterday. He had to catch the bus. I really broke down after that. But I wish he was there. I didn't take advantage of it when he was there. But I had things to say, I had to stay composed. The things on my mind right now are physically making me so tired. There's so much there, but I don't know what it is exactly and all I can do is cry about it, like right now. Sage says I need to actually do something about how I feel, and that I'm just letting it sit there. I probably am voiding it. But when I approach it, I'm bombarded with questions and feelings and doubts and it's so scary. I'm a big freakin' coward. A lazy one too.
I want to cry. I want to scream. I want Sage here. Now. But he's not, so I'll leave whatever I need to get out sit here. And even if he did, I don't think he'd do anything to comfort me. Why should he when he tried to yesterday?
I hate everything right now.
I'm hanging out with Aaron tonight. That should be good.
I think I'll take Sage advice and go for a walk. Maybe I won't go back. I want to go away for good. But I know I'd be back after a short time because I'd miss home.
This is all.
I feel like a new layout, but lack of creativity and time are keeping me from doing so.
So...
Umm, yeah. There's a good chance I'll be living with the father for a while...soon. My mother's couldn't pay half of her last forbearance payment for the mortgage. Because of it, they cancelled it all completely. So my mother had to find a new mortgage company. They don't want her because of her lack of at least $15,000.
Basically, if my mother doesn't come up with $22,000 dollars by November 26th, my home goes up for Sherrif's Sale. Fun, eh? So, right now, it's in my father's hands. Either he lends the $22,000 to my mother or he takes us in for a while. My father hates giving my mother money (hence, the lack of a decent amount for child support) so there's a chance I'm going to be living with him. We can delay this from happening. My mom can file for bankruptcy, and some other things, but yeah. And if I stay with my dad it'll probably be for about six months or so, maybe longer.
It sucks, no?
I hate this. I don't have hope anymore. It's really starting to become non-existent. My father really is the only person who can pay that, at least I think. I mean, I think he could, he has a 2001 Corvette, a yacht, and a wife with fake breasts and a tucked in tummy, so why the hell not? I mean, he's flaunted his money in front of us for so long, putting us through this torture, it's the least he could do, right?
I don't want to leave this home. Yeah, it's gross, old, falling apart, has uncontrolled plantlife around it, but it's so full of love. My father's house has absolutely no love. It's not lived in, it's not comfortable, it's too clean, it works, and I hate it. I love that my friends love coming to my mad crappy house. No one wants to come to my dad's house. We would never be able to do anything that we do here. We would never be able to foof anyone without getting screamed at and locked in the basement for making a mess. Yes, my stepmother used to lock us in the basement when we made a mess. Mess = five crayons on the carpet. No lie. And you're in my house. There's food, clothes, toys, packing peanuts on the floor. It smells of pet excrement and mold, but that's okay. It had a lot of love. I'm not going to be able to get that love anywhere else. No where. My home is such a big part of me. So many things have happened in that house. Too many thing. I've lived there since I began to grow in my mother's womb. My mother has been here since she was 8. My sisters and I are the fourth generation to live there. So much history. Too much. Too much to let go of. I have no reason to reminisce about the times here without my home.
I'm crying. I love my home, despite it's disfunction.
Not to mention the restlessness in my heart. About Sage. I hate how back and forth I still am.
I need a shmoke and a pancake. Or a shot or two of Irish whiskey. I should walk over to Tom's.
I can't believe it's already the 20th. I really can't. Do you remember when you were a little kid and the month of October seemed to go so slow, because you were waiting for Halloween to come. Now it's like, "Holy shit, it's already the 20th!!"
I didn't feel like going to school today. I started to study for the history test this morning, but then I fell asleep until 9:20 and the decided to bag school for today. I was going to go in at 5th to take my history test. Oh well.
Friday night and Saturday were amazing, guys!! Thanks so much. My favorite memories are with you guys, and I ganied like a gagillion more. Thanks so much. Gabe, you should tag along this Friday.
Yesterday, my cousin, Shannon got married. He found a really nice girl. Her name's Christine. She's so pretty, and she's so amazing. I've got a good feeling about those two.
It was up in the Poconoes, so it was a long car ride. But they had it in a really pretty church, and the music was provided by a bagpipe player :)
I really wish I knew my cousin better. We were close at one point, but I grew up, and he became a cop/dancer, so we lost touch. I wanted to tell him I wish I knew him better, but he was busy country line dancing with Christine. So it was a quick hug and a thank you and we left. But Shannon is so cool. Hopefully, I'll get to see him more this year. And my uncle Herb and my cousins, Justin and Roxanne. I can't explain their brilliance. They are some of my favorite people in the world. But it isn't complete with my Aunt Carol...[sigh]...Carol.
I'm going to stop babbling about my family you guys don't know. Umm...
I have Bob Marley. I copied my sister's CD. I heart Bob Marley.
This is all.
I hate not shaving my legs for more that 10 days...sorry.
nothing new.
Hey!!
OCTOBER 24 @ 9:30 - The Transylvanian Nipple Productions is putting on their RHPS Halloween Show. It's at Narbeth Community Theater downtown. Check the site for details.
Anyone wanna go? I still have to ask my mom, but I want to take a bunch of kiddies down with me. If I can go, Nate-Nate's coming, so it's already a party. Tell me if you can, if you can't, I'll help you convince your parent(s) to let you go.
Bye for now. Need to read about the hoecake Wife of Bath for English.
It's not everday that you find bright green patend (sp?) leather shoes. Sheer brilliance isn't it?
I went clothes shopping for my cousin's wedding. I have a pretty outfit.
I wish I had a skirt so I could wear my new green leg warmers.
According to a story Spencer told, the thing I want most in my life is love.
I found a Rowe blog. But it's livejournal, so there's no way I could join. Lots of cool people in it though.
I really love David Bowie. We can be heroes just for one day.
I don't want to see my counselor tomorrow.
I went to the cult school's Triathlon this morning. It was fun. The Triathlon is an event they have each year and the students participate in it. It's a 1/4 mile swim, 6 mile bike, and a 3 mile run. I remember being in the Triathlon. It was a grueling training process but the actual event was fun. I only got to be in one, because my knees went bad after that. But I did two Biathlons. My first was the swim and the run, and my second one was a 1/2 mile swim and a 10 mile bike. The fastest Triathlon this year was 56 min. 56 sec. Good job, Davide!! Seeing the kids out there, made me want to be back in the school. When I was 12, so I could be out there with them. The kids got so big. Well, next event is the Christmas Party. I am staying for the graduate after party. They're always so much fun. I'll probably stay over night.
Hung out with Shayna and Spencer last night speaking of the Cult School. We had a good time. We meandered around Plymouth Meeting Mall.
I got to see my Italian mother today. I love her so much. My second mother. Always and forever. tee hee hee.
I was so happy that Ryan, Alison, and Aaron liked Harold and Maude so much. Ask them.
No more jello for a while, guys. I decided this while making the fifth box.
Recent News: Sage and I are back together. I think things will be okay. Things feel okay. Sage said I looked (or was, can't remember) wiser. I feel wiser. A little more mature, too.
Art project time. Wastle sent me his banner. I decided to leave it there for a couple of weeks, then I'll move it to the links page. Not right now though.
Psst!! Guess who's working on the final parts of Emo Kid?!
But I know once I type up all this crap, it'll be time for bed.
First thing's first. I heart Brian Wastle and his genius. Check out his flash cartoons. Sooo good!!
Had an AMAZING talk with Dave Karasick from Rowe. Amazing! He says that it's fine that I'm still undecided about Sage and I. He says that being in between like that is a great quality. He says it shows that I'm human and not a ON/OFF switch robot. He's a great guy. We're going to be talking a lot more. We promised each other that. That's great news.
Anyway, I spent nine hours with the likes of Ryan Collins and Grant Walker. It was a lot of fun and I made a new friend. Silence of the Lambs is scary, I did not have and urge to go home to my empty, cold, dark house after that one. So I stayed at Ryan's. We played in Ryan's room. Grant and I played with gnomes and we all popped bubble wrap. Ryan got a big sword. The casing for the blade was nice. Hmm, then AARON and alison called. AARON and alison wanted to go to a diner. So AARON and the rest of us did. AARON had french toast. AARON drank half-and-half. so did grant. AARON and the rest of us had a ton of fun. And after dinner, AARON and the gang played that arcade game filled with stuffed animals and you have to grab them with that claw thing. Alison got addicted. AARON stole two of her dollars to play the game. After AARON and the gang went through 20 tries ($10 of alison's money) we finally got a black cat. Because of it's football shaped head, we named him Arnold. Afterwards, we headed to Ryan's again. We decided to hang around Ryan's fish pond. I thought it would be funny to crouch down on the ledge with Arnold and pretend that Arnold was trying to get the fish. So, while AARON and grant and ryan spectated, I repeatedly said "Come on Arnold get the fish. Meeow!!" As I was innocently playing pond-side, Alison crept up behind me and gave me a push!! But alas, I wasn't as lucky as when Ryan pretended to push me, because Alison pushed a little too hard. When she pushed me, the first thing I did was leaped to the other side where AARON was so I wouldn't fall in. But I did not have good balance and instead of pulling AARON in with me, I let go and fell in. I was really, really cold. And very wet. I was afraid I had killed Ryan's fish, so I hopped out and it didn't look like there were any dead ones, but Arnold sure did get wet, and had no desire to catch fish after that. Alison decided to sit in the pond because she felt bad. After that, Alison and I received clothing from Mz. Van O' Linda and waited for our clothes to dry in the wash. Alison was having trouble because her underpants were still wet. Mz. Van O' Linda offered her a thong that she had never worn before, but Alison declined. Despite it's flowered pattern. So after all that, we chilled by a nice, little fire. Grant went outside, rung out Arnold and Arnold warmed up by the fire as well. All in all, it was a very good night. Despite getting soaking wet. Alison, I love you.
Grant isn't such a bad kid. He seems cooler that I thought he was. One more friend for the Heves.
The reason AARON's name is in bold letter is because I have to redeem myself for not mentioning HIS name in my blog from last Friday. AARON, alison, and i had spent a good amount of time together and AARON, alison, and i had a great time. I'm still working on the Ode to AARON though. Check out what I look like in the morning. The picture's on AARON's blog.
That's all for now, it's late, I'm tired now, so I'm off to bed. Check out Wastle's page. This is all.
P.S. - Not motivation to check spelling/grammatical/punctuation errors. Don't mind them. Ahh, okay, this is all...for real.
I love how no one's on right now. I have this feeling that I had play practice. Oh well, who gives a fuck?
I think a certain someone doesn't want to talk to me/is mad at me. Oh well.
BUT!! I have received the response email from Bank!!!
Hey Melissa,
Thank you so much for your letter. Youare the first person I have
receved any communication from since Rowe. I am glad to hear that your
life is so rich right now, although it may not be easy.
I am sorry to hear that you and sage have broken up, but I am glad that
you made a step that felt right to you, a step that made sense. I
don't think there is any "should" just what our gut tells us. I hope
you can find time to enjoy your "single" status. See where it takes
you.
Interesting about vinegar, I just cooked dinner for myself: sauteed
veggies, and vinegar, to add a bit of kick. As I cooked my dinner,
there were about seven people around in the kitchen, some trying to
cook, others sitting in the kitchen. It felt very alive, very full, a
bit claustrophobic, a bit too much. That's how I have been of late:
feeling really great about living my life, doing my own thing, while
feeling very smothered by all the people who are around, constantly. I
live in a house with 11 people. I love these people very much, but
don't find much space. So, school up to now has been a bit of a
conflict between finding space for myself, and being with people in a
way that feels good, in a way that does not feel smothering or
oppressive. I am doing really well at that, for the most part. My key
is to cook nice meals for myself, and eat on the front porch, where I
can have some time to myself.
I appreciate that you do not go the way of the common idiom of "things
are good." If things aren't good, then say it. I surely won't judge.
Thank you for your honesty. I am fluctuating between good and not so
good. That's the truth of it. For the most part, living with the
people I live with drives me crazy much of the time.
But, I have found solace in my schoolwork, which is a first. I have
also been doing more writing than I ever have before in my life. The
classes I am taking require it of me, and I find myself, every night,
in front of my computer, trying to find some sort of voice, trying to
find a way to put into writing what I think about a certain reading,
about a poem, about a movie we watched in class. It is all very
exciting for me right now, as I am beginning to find my own narrative
voice.
I am also writing poetry for the first time. I am good at writing
poetry. My talent comes in that, when I write a poem, I feel good.
So that's a small overview of my life.
Love
David
Oh, how I love Bank (David) so!! He's too cool.
Early dimissal so I can get an earlier start on my homework. Whoo hoo.
Gabe says I need to start smiling more. There's not much to smile about lately Gabe. So start forking over those lollipops, maybe they'll help.
Today after play practice, Alison, Sage and I consulted the Oracle. Basically you take a book, everyone holds it, someone asks a question about the future or something like that. Then the person who asked the question picks a page, a line and then a word and that's the answer to their question. I asked if Sage and I will find each other together again, the word was "high." That made me happy.
Sage is online right now, he hasn't IMed me. I could IM him, but I don't do that. If someone wants to talk to me, they IM me. I'm sad he hasn't yet though, but he doesn't have any reason to anymore, does he?
Emailed Bank from camp. Can't wait to hear back from him.
I already want to change my layout. I hate how easily I get bored with little things like that. Gah.
Spent Friday and Saturday with Alison. It was good. Theraputic, I guess. I realized that there are other things I've been depressed about besides breaking up with Sage.
I think that we (meaning the "everybody, everybody" group) aren't as connected anymore, as Alison said in her blog. That bond has been gone since the beginning of summer, I think. Hell, even before that. And I don't like it. All my other friendships have changed as well. This summer really messed things up. It just did. School fucked shit up even more. Because of all these changes I'm feeling so incredibly alone. But I've been trying to make them better. I mean with Sage, it's different. We were going out so we helped each other a lot. And lately we've been helping each other out at times, but with the rest of you, I don't know. I've been trying to work on getting that connection back. With Alison and Ryan, I've been doing okay. But I'm worried I'll lose my friendships with the rest of you, I guess. Gah, I hate this. I love you guys, you're my friends. I'm so lonely. Sage asked me that, like, two minutes ago, and I started crying. (Oh yeah, Sage, thanks for telling me to clear up what I was saying here. I didn't mean for it to sound the way it did the first time. Thanks :-D )
I want Rowe back. Right now. Last night I sent this huge email to my friend, Dave, from Rowe. I love that kid, he's so real and mature. It's unreal. So, I emailed him. I want to actually talk to him, but I don't have the money to call to Connecticut. Le sigh. I miss Rowe. And I want a Rowe hug. Sage is the closest Rowie, but that affection is no longer allowed.
I need to contact a whole lot of Rowies still. I promised I would, I'm not breaking it.
I hate critical analysises (sp? eh, who give a hoot?). They take up too much of my time, especially when you have horrid reading comprehension like moi. Eh, I'll get it done. Eventually. I'd rather be patching up an old pair of jeans.
I want Dave and Roach to come visit.
I want to punch something. Like Mr Fiorino's face. Gives us two hours worth of homework. The fucking idiot. 30 long, grueling math problems and 2 sections to read and outline. It's a punishment for doing badly on his test. But it's a shame he can't see that all he has to do is explain what the hell he's doing in a nice, slow fashion, instead of 1) Just solving problems and not explaining what to do. You can't assume we're geniuses. and 2) Not to go 12987483798438 miles per hour when teaching. That jackass. Told us we were basically a bunch of idiots Friday. I hate that guy.
I have no inspiration to do anything. I think I'm failing everything right now. I hate school so much. So bloody much. And nothing seems to cheer me up about it. Too much pressure on us. Way too much. We realize they want us to be ready for the real world, but Jesus Christ, enough is enough!! Really people. Do they not see how delicate these years of our lives are?? Abington is a big hell hole. I really shouldn't have this attitude towards school, but it's getting to be tiresome, and I mean I only have 1 thing to look forward to nowadays. That's my art class. Oh my sanctuary. I'm think of taking it for two periods. Fuck lunch.
Current Grades:
Eng III CP - 79.50
Am St I CP - 84.44
Precalc - 84.52
Physics - 81.33
Art II 10 - 95.76
Those are the classes I have grades in right now. I'm doing so bad. What the hell is going on? I should be doing so much better than this. I work so hard, but what do I get from it? Shitty grades. I try revising my work habits, working more, but I don't know. But I get so lost in math, and my Physics teacher. Oh my gosh, so unclear. He mumbles the majority of the time, and he's always making mistakes, so we learn his mistakes, but then get penalized for it. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I want to scream!!! And I understand that it's the beginning of the year, but I'm already getting people on my ass for this crap.
I need a drink.
Sorry that I've complained so much. I'm just so angry and upset about soo many things. Holy fuck. I was supposed to journal this week for my counselor. I don't even have time for that shit anymore.
Turned out that Alison did come over yesterday. About 8 PM-ish. It was good. I love having her over. I always have a good time. We ran lines.
I think that Matt Arkans and I have a inside joke about liver spots now. We were sitting in rehearsals and I thought he was talking to Jess Noga about liver spots. So, I asked him about it, and he gave me a weird look, shook his head and started to laugh heartily. The he drew liver spots on my leg. Well, pant leg. He also wanted to sign the inside of my pant leg so he could say he was in my pants. Oh, Matt Arkans, what a wonderful bloke :) I hope this year we can be better friends.
This weekend, I'm going to have a Harold and Maude party. Everyone is coming to see this incredible movie. This is who I want to come: Alison, Ryan, Sage, Hannah, Gabe, Nate-Nate, Aaron, Lauren Thomas (because she needs to see it), Almeda, Matt Arkans, and whoever else want to come and whoever I wanted to invite, but for some stupid reason forgot to put down. You ARE loved, dont worry!! We'll have fun. I know it :)
Sage's blog for today gave me knots in my stomach. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know. I don't want time apart.
Oy yoy yoy yoy yoy.
The Denver Broncos and seriously kicking the Raiders' stupid California asses. 31-0. Aww. Yeah. Babay. I forgot how much I love football. Alas, I never get to watch. Curse you, school!!
I need to watch Aladdin and give it back to Sage. It's like not giving him water for two days. He dies without it. Sage, Alison and I are going to work on expanding your movie knowledge. There are better movies that Aladdin and Shrek. You need some exploring. Alison, we should make a list. I've got some ideas.
Ack. My head hurts and it makes me feel sick. My mother's taking me to the doctor. I've been having at least 2-3 headaches a week since January. Not good, not good. Especially the ones that blur my vision and make me want to vomit it hurts so much. I can't keep my eyes open they hurt so much sometimes. When I start having a stiff neck, I might want to be afraid. I just finished Death Be Not Proud, a story about a kid with a brain cancer. I know what goes down, man.
However, I'm almost positive that I don't have a brain tumor. My headaches are a combination of a lot of things sometimes. But sometimes, I just have no idea why they are there.
Gah, enough about that. I don't want to go to bed. Sorry Sage scared you guys. 'Meda, no reason to be scarred :)
Sage with make up on. Noel put on the make up. It was a lot of fun.
How's that Alison?
I'm still really confused as to what I want.
Hung out with Ryan and Hannah last night. Pretended to be space cadets. Then played DDR at Ryan's. Ate fig newtons, apples, and cookies. Watched several episodes of Red vs. Blue. So funny, even if I was about to fall asleep. Cam home and talked to Alison and Sage on the phone and then just to Sage until about 1:30. Woke up this moring to the Nanday Conure screeching across the hall. Today: Art History homework. Alison may come over.
