September 16, 2003

i hate myself.

i hate my life.

i have a different love to give sage. he doesn't want it

he has a different love for me. i just can't have it.

i hurt him, so i hurt. i hurt a lot.

i have no desire to do anything. except feel pain. a different pain though.

i'm alone. i need my best friend. but i don't think he wants me now.

i want to cry on his shoulder, but he hates me too much now. i'm killing him.

i crumbled on the floor after we talked today. the pain was too much for me to stand up.

i don't like hurting my best friend.

don't expect me to blog for a while. there's no point to anymore.

Posted by Melissa | 7:03 PM |





September 14, 2003

Sage and I are back together.

I needed to hit the ground running when it came to going out with him again. I was hesitant, but I think I'll be okay now. I'm just afraid that voice will come back. But I don't think it will. However it'll be different getting back into things. Being with him alone today was a little weird. But when we were with Alison and Aaron, I was fine. I think I realized two things in the past 5 days (or was it 4?):

1) I recognize my love for Sage. It's there, I don't need to prove it to myself anymore.
2) I am independent of him. It's a good thing. But it's nice to know I do have him to come to when I need something...like 10 dollars. tee hee hee

I'm happy.

I think I'm still going to talk to my counselor about it.

I need to let my mother on.

Ordered Harold and Maude. Everyone's coming over to watch it as soon as I get it. Good night, Sage, I love you.

P.S. - I'm posting some funny Sage pictures tomorrow. It's worth taking a gander.

Posted by Melissa | 12:36 AM |





September 11, 2003

My Haiku:

Lying on the ground
I've killed my reason to fly
My wings are broken

To wear my wings seems so pointless. I have no reason to fly anymore.

Why has there been that nervous feeling eating away at my insides since Tuesday? Why is it I've been crying non-stop for three days now? Why can't I eat? Why can't I think straight? Why, why, WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I'm about ready to rip out my hair I'm so bloody confused!!!! I think this is what my mother was talking about when she said that there's hard love.

So does that mean I love him? I can't help shake this feeling of wanting to be back together again. The only thing that's holding me back is I feel like that voice, the voice telling me I didn't love him is going to come back haunting me, telling me I made a mistake.

Maybe all these feelings are here telling me I need to slow down.

When he isn't here, it feels like we're still going out. I think I do love him. ARGH!!!!!! I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to give myself seizures.

We talked last night briefly. The only thing I was feeling was that I missed him and I loved him. It killed me that we couldn't say we loved each other.

Maybe I'm feeling all this because I know I don't have to prove to myself that I love him anymore. I know it's there. But how the fuck should I know?

You need to start loving somewhere, I think I have.

These are all random thoughts coming to me right now. Everything that's stewing in my heart and head. Wouldn't you be confused?

I don't want to experience loving anyone else. I want Sage. Maybe we need to start over with a clean slate. But what will I do when we start to get intense again? Will I cower away like this time?

Why is the future so scary?

I want Sage.
I want Sage.
I want Sage.
I want Sage.
I want Sage.
I want Sage.

I think I'm done for now. My swollen eyes are about to leak again.

Death Be Not Proud is a good book. I forgot about this one. This is one of my favorites.

Oh yeah and some song lyrics to put my life into a nutshell right now. Thanks, Cat. If you can, I suggest downloading it. It's an incredible song. kthnx.

Cat Stevens - Trouble

Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
and it's too much for me today

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
and I can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, I'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And I haven't got a lot of time

Posted by Melissa | 3:35 PM |





September 6, 2003

About two weeks ago, NOeL said that she had realized something. Our dog, Scholar, will no longer be with us. He's almost ten years old and Rhodesian Ridgebacks only live nine to eleven years. For some reason I'm in this mindset that he's still six or seven. I guess it's because he still acts like the puppy he was when we got him.

He has cancer. And I just don't get how this dog can play and be happy when he has it. But he can. You could never tell Scholar's suffering. Lately his weight has dropped real low. I think it really feel while I was away at camp. My mom got angry at Gretta that she wasn't feeding him. He's been eating what we give him. 2-3 bowls a day. Like always. He eats it. He's gotten even skinnier since I came home. He's so sick. I hate it. We don't have the money to get it treated. And I hate that. But all creatures die. I have to accept it. I just don't think I'm ready for Scholar to go. I feel like he should be here longer. Perhaps that's because the last pet that died here was the infamous Rumples, our cat. He was THE best cat in the world. I loved him so much. I would play with him all day when I was a baby, when I was a little kid. But then he got old. He died sleeping by our front door. He was thirteen. Maybe I'm expecting Scholar to live until then. I've always had this idea that pets are supposed to live until your grown up and out of the house. I'm not yet. Scholar's not allowed to go. He's a great dog, the best one you could ask for. I hate that there isn't going to be one as calm, sweet, and as happy as he is.

Posted by Melissa | 2:39 PM |



__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Ahh, the weekend. To me the weekend after school starts has always been my official last taste of summer. I guess that's b/c we're always in school for two days and then the weekend comes. It's good.

I guess I'll write about my night last night because Alison is bored of blogging.

Last night Alison and I went to First Friday with NOeL, Dave Shaner, Amber Ruttenburg, and her friend, Katie. First Friday is when all the galleries open with new art and stuff. There's food. There's fun.

Well, maybe I should start from the beginnng...

Well, Alison got to my house about five minutes before we were to catch the train @ Ardsley Train Station. NOeL had left ten minutes before to meet up with her Dave. So, Alison's mother graciously gave us a ride there and we got there just as the train was pulling up. We got on grabbed seats, and rode off. We were a little confused because the stops didn't seem like the right ones. When they announced the final stop, we realized we had taken the wrong train. But it was a free ride so it was okay. Anyway, after asking some faithful Phillies fans if the train would take us back to Philadelphia they redirected us back on the train where we paid 8.50 to Center City. On the way back, Dave and NOeL got on the train!! Alison and I were quite shocked. NOeL ended up getting the times mixed up. The train we wanted to take was leaving at 5:50, not 5:15.

Anyway, we get downtown, it was a fun train ride. So the six of us walk down to the galleries and wait patiently for them to open. The first (and only) one we visited was the Tyler School of Art's gallery. They had a Buddist praying and doing sand art. It was nice, but it was long. The music was so pretty. I can't remember the names of the instruments they used but they were kick ass. Eventually, you could smell Dave's ADD it was so bad so we left and went to get something to eat. So we walked to South Street to the South Street Diner. I had the most fun there I think. Dave likes to pick on me, as I him, so we did that. We all played ten fingers and that was amazing. I should've won, but NOeL kept saying all these things she's never done with non-white people, so I lost. But I was definetly supposed to win. By the end it was Alison and Noel and one of the last things NOeL said was "Never have I ever had blonde hair." Alison wasn't too happy about that. I replied, "NOeL, the first fiver years of your life you had light blonde hair!!" Which she did. So she couldn't ask that.

After dinner, we walked South Street. Alison, Amber, Katie and I bought a few shirts. I like the one I got. It's bright yellow and red/white dot things on it. It's really cool. And it was only two bucks. Alison got one too. Then we we visited Zipper Head. I really like some of the punk clothes they had in there but I never realized how expensive it is to be punk! Anyway, Alison and I picked out randon pleather, skanky outfits saying how we should both wear our matching outfits to school. I think it'd be funny if we went there for our Junior prom dresses. We both said it at one point in time while we were there, so it was cool.

And then we really didn't do anything else. Except I chased Dave and smacked him with my bag at one point. He kept scratching his nails again metal objects and I HATE THAT SOUND!! I'm extremely hypersensitive to the sound and it makes me cry sometimes. So, at one point he scratched his nails again a metal railing and the screech was lethal. But after that I chased him. I didn't relize that I'm no longer the fast runner I was before. But I almost got him a couple times. Afterwards, we walked to the train station and went home.

Amber seems cooler than I perceived she was. I've always felt that she's a bit mean and kind of bitchy. But there is some good about her. She said she'd like to get to know me better and become good friends. I wouldn't mind that I guess. No I wouldn't. We had a good time together last night :)

We had a blast last night. It was fantastic. But alas, we only visited one gallery, and that was a negative point, but I'm going to try to go down next Friday. It's not like they won't be open. It's just last night was the special night.

Alison and I had some good talks. I needed to get some stuff out in the open. She helped me realize a few things about my relationship with Sage. I wrote to Sage on the blog we have. I felt much better and slept peacefully. However, I could've gotten more sleep. I had about 6 hours. Anyway, thanks for talking with me about that stuff, Alison. It's much appreciated.

I think this is all. I'm ready to start me day!

Posted by Melissa | 7:57 AM |





September 4, 2003

Aaron liked my last layout.

Ryan wants me to write something new.

I got rid of the last layout, but I can write something new.

School can suck my tits. I don't really like any of my classes, nor many of my teachers. I'm not liking it. But alas, it's how I felt last year, by the end I loved them. The only class I really like so far is my English class. It's a nice crew of people and a great teacher. Shannon Moyer, Jess Steever, Alison Finkelstein, Brian Wastle...and I can't really remember many more of my classmates. And the people in my gym and Physics classes don't seem like bad crew, either. Orch is awesome. Gabe and Aaron are there now. I'm no longer going to switch Orch periods. Stupid assembly. I missed my first art class because of those stupid hussies. It's okay, Aaron and I joked around. The back is wack, guys. The back is wack.

Mr. Morrisette is cool as well. I like him a lot. He's got potential to be in my top three best teachers for 11th grade.

So that's my 11th grade year in a nutshell. I don't even pass Sage in the halls :( That's teh suck man, teh suck.

I'm done my homework. Miriam is teaching me how to purl so then I can do that and knit and crochet. I'm teaching her to knit as well :) My lunch period is fun. Sooo many people I know there!

I showed a bunch of people Rowe pictures that I brought for my locker. I became very sad.

Someone flicked my wings and called me a "freak." I wanted to flick him and call him "asshole," but I just said, "that's cool."

Maybe this year won't be so bad. I want to see Sage. Bye for now. But before I go, a scary picture of Nate :)

OOGA BOOGA BOOGA


Posted by Melissa | 5:37 PM |





August 29, 2003

It's my birthday. It's cool. I'm having fun. I think. Yes, I am. I got a photo album from Gretta and my mandolin. Plus a how to play mandolin book from Noel. It's a pretty mandolin, too. I know my open D and G chords already. Arencha proud??

I think it's really funny that today's my 17th birthday and when I paste my comments server code in my HTMLI have to change the entry number and today's entry number is 17. Go team.

This day could've been better if I was able to spend some time with Sage. It's our first birthday, thanks much. Go team us. Poo poo on not getting to spend it together. Oh well.

My father's been acting bizarre lately. He's been...dare I say it...nice! Today he spent 80 dollars on a mandolin case and gave me 70 for the other present I wanted. That was getting this bag of film developed. It's been sitting in my room for almost two years now. This has been an expensive birthday. A total of $280 spent by my parents on me. Not only did my father do that for me, but he helped with Rowe payment, and he's been nice towards my mother. Oy yoy yoy. It's a bit scary. I'm not used to this not depressed, grumpy man that I know.

I don't like to make a big deal when it's my birthday. Yeah, I get parties, but usually it's just an excuse for me to hang out with my best friends, not to celebrate my birthday. It's not everyday you get a party just because, you know? Also, Ryan said that b/c it's my birthday, I wasn't allowed to stay home and that I should go out. I don't see what's wrong with staying home. I got some needed peace and quiet, I called a bunch of people but they were not home or away. Plus I'm really tired. Today's been a good birthday. This is the first birthday where I've enjoyed being alone. I've had many birthdays alone, and I was extremely bothered by it. But that was when I cared about my birthday. I don't really care anymore.

I'm 17. I'll be a legal adult next year. More responsibility. I've gotta milk 17 and my non-adultness for all it's worth.

I suggest watching The Nightmare Before Christmas in French. It's an old pastime of mine. It was destined to be a French movie. Oh, and rent Othello with Kenneth Branagh. Superb movie.

Off to bed. Fare thee well, kind friends.

Posted by Melissa | 9:52 PM |





August 27, 2003

Hmm, today I got two thumbnails done on my summer art project. I'm drawing the grandfather clock in my hallway. They're not very good thumbnails. And the five thumbnails are 50 points total, so do they have to be detailed, because mine are mainly line drawings with some shadowing. Argh, I don't know, I'll do extra credit or something like that if I get a crappy grade. All I know is I want to get the main ideas down on paper so I can freaking star the damn final picture.

I watched this movie today that I think gave RHPS a run for its money. The movie was Harold and Maude. It was amazing. Everyone needs to see it. Perhaps we'll have a Harold and Maude party because it's that amazing. Bank from camp told me that I had to see it. He said it was amazing and it's true it is. So, if you would please see it that'd be great, kthnx.

My day was good all in all. Well, so far it's no where near finished. I wrote a letter to an old penpal of mine. Her name is Doris and she's from Germany. We used to write each other a lot, but we lost touch eventually, and I got a postcard from her not too long ago. It said she was in England for a week with a few friends and that their hotel wasn't very clean but it was okay. I also became 25 bucks richer thanks to my Mimi and Pop-Pop and Aunt Debbie. Birthdays are cool like that.

This is all for now. Gretta has to call mi padre.

Posted by Melissa | 4:27 PM |





August 26, 2003

This is more clusterfuckish. I like this better. Thanks to bollybolly.net, Morbid-Romantic.net, and Fred Farm for letting me download your brushes :)

I also put up my Rowe pictures. Go check them out. Under the misc. link. I'll blog later. Three days until I turn the big 1-7. Eek gag.

Posted by Melissa | 10:34 AM |





August 25, 2003

New layout. Not as much of a clusterfuck as I wanted. I'll change that. I wish I could remember the website where i downloaded my brushes, but I can't b/c I downloaded them a few weeks before I went to camp. So that was a while ago. And perhaps I'll change the color. To red. More clusterfuckish. Why clusterfuck?? Because my feelings and whatnot during the school year rush in so fast that it becomes a clusterfuck (traffic jam to all you non-Heveners) in my head. So I figured I'd make a layout. Simple, with gear brushes. woo hoo.

Anyway, we've been tearing up rugs the last few days. The wood floors make our house a gagillion times better looking. Well, upstairs at least. We've only done the upstairs hallway and the stairs. The woodwork in my house used to be bright blue. Who knew??

Hope everyone's coming bowling tonight!!! So far, Ryan, Shannon, Nate, and Sage are attending. Chad maybe. I really hope you guys have 13 dollars. If anyone else who reads this would like to come, please do. My sister's band, The Unscripted, is playing once again at Thunderbird Lanes. They go on at 9:30, but we're going to bowl before that. So we're meeting there around 7:30 I think. If that changes, I'll inform you guys.

This is all.

Posted by Melissa | 9:31 AM |





August 23, 2003

Well, today I found hidden treasure. Well, let me explain. You see I have this bag of film that needs developing. This morning when I had to go to CVS I thought to myself, "Self, maybe you should grab a roll of that film just to see what you've been missing out on." So that's what I did. I dropped off this random roll of film at the CVS 1-Hour and skipped off to Willow Grove with my mother and my sister, Gretta. While there, I bought monarch butterfly wings to wear from the Party store, picked up a job application to Barnes and Noble, and trotted around Toys r Us. When we got back from our journey, my mother dropped my sister and I off at CVS while she drove off to go running. I picked up my pictures and to my suprise, they were my lost pictures of the Colloseum (sp? eh, who give a hoot) from my trip to Italy three years ago!!! I was so excited, I thought I was going to pee myself right there in CVS. I had forgotten how amazing the Colloseum was. Even if we didn't get to go inside. If you guys ever want to see them, just tell me, I'll be glad to show them off ^.^

Anywho, I got my schedule for the upcoming school year, and I'd like to share!!

1 - ORCH I w/ Voigt
2 - ART II 10 w/ Caracciolo, rm 119 (I can't wait to have class with Ms. C)
3 - AM ST I CP w/ Morrissette, rm 150
4 - PRECALC w/ Fiorino B (ha! that silly little b) rm 205
5 - LUNCH (all periods)
6 - ENG III CP w/ White MJ, rm 230
7 - PE w/ Rossi on Mon, Tues, and Thurs. Wed lab period. Fri study hall w/ Coppolino
8 - PHYSICS w/ Manogg, rm 132

So that's it. It actually seems like an okay kind of schedule. Two major classes in the morning, two more in the afternoon.

So far, I have Lunch with my darling sister NOeL, and my dear friend Jackie Doherty (Jiffy Pop). The best part is that I have Physics with Jiffy Pop!!!!!!!!! She called and we discussed schdules and we shrieked when we found that out. This is the third year that I have my science with her. And it's soooo good too, b/c I'd be so lost without her and she'd be lost without me. We guide each other through science. We're just praying that Rachel Looney is with us again. She was in Bio and Chem with us. Jackie and I would be lost without her and she'd be lost without us. We're the Science sisters!! Muahaha!!!

So if you would please inform me of your schedules that'd be fantastic.

Now, I'm off to tear up some rugs.

Posted by Melissa | 2:27 PM |